Welcome back to "The Microdose Diet" newsletter, your trusted source for achieving more success, passion, and happiness in your life and your career. 🍄 I am Peggy Van de Plassche, I spent 20 years in the financial services and technology industries. After discovering the magic of mushrooms for my own mental wellness and performance, I realized how powerful psilocybin could be for personal and professional transformation. This is how “The Microdose Diet” protocol was born. Find out more at the bottom. Happy Reading!
Books provide fabulous insights on topics we might not otherwise learn about. Understanding how to spot narcissists and narcissistic behaviors, as well as how to handle these bullies, is definitely a subject worth knowing more about.
I already wrote several times about narcissistic people, behaviors and organizations (☠️Are Corporations Gaslighting Psychopaths?, 😈Are You Stuck in Narcissistic Relationships?, 🤥 Seeing Through the BS and Gaslighting, 🎭Narcissism at its Best: The Scary Rise of the Actor-Gurus and What It Means for You, 🤥Unveiling the Ultimate Gaslighting: "You Can Have It All" ). You would think that by now I am narcissist-proof, but no, I still get caught by surprise sometimes. Such as last weekend, more on that later.
When I write about narcissists, I am not referring to the typical self-centered and unaware individuals who mainly focus on themselves in discussions. These people are tiring and pretty useless, but not harmful. No, I am referring to the manipulators, the bullies, the deliberately offensive individuals acting overtly or covertly in our daily lives.
These people who feed on put-downs, misrepresentations, manipulations, lies, and other dramas (at your expenses obviously). Their intention can simply be to make themselves feel better about themselves (again at your expenses!). It can also be more sophisticated and calculated as I realized last weekend…
My husband and I had a Saturday dinner planned with a couple of friends. Nothing alarming so far. For context, I met her through work, 8 years ago, and we quickly became friends. Let’s call her Mary for the sake of anonymity. Mary married him in one of the many shotgun weddings that happened during the pandemic. We met him the day of the wedding, that is how short the dating was. He seemed very kind and thoughtful, a B type as she qualified him. Mark (let’s go for that!) had a 6 year old daughter from a previous union and wanted Mary to be very involved with the child-rearing. Soon enough she was the one driving the kid back and forth as it was more economical for the family to have only one car (hers). My friend, a senior exec at a financial institution, also became the de-facto breadwinner with (obviously) totally shared finances and no prenup. They (obviously again) had to buy a new house as her old house was deemed too small (and under her sole ownership😐). The neighborhood selected was his childhood neighborhood, where Mary had absolutely no connection. I was seeing her less and less as she was buried with work and family obligations. Every time I saw her she did seem pretty tired, not surprisingly considering her new circumstances. A recurring occurrence in our discussions was people falling off of her life, an old mentor and his wife were now deemed “crazy religious”, her 2 brothers became “disrespectful and selfish” (and also “crazy religious”) with one now being persona non grata.
Laid out like that it obviously seems evident that there were many red flags. I did think he was taking advantage of her materially, but I didn’t see the narcissist lurking behind the jovial and caring appearances.
As much as possible I aim to be non-judgmental (not easy), but also discerning (not easy either). My overall wellness practice, especially microdosing, has helped me to grow in that direction. Books and educating myself have also been very helpful in understanding when people are disrespectful and crossing my boundaries. Yep, that radar is innate in all of us, but unfortunately, many of us, including me and perhaps you too, were told to shut up when trying to assert ourselves as kids. Hence, my extra need for learning this key skill!
But despite all these studying and presence, I still didn’t connect any of these dots before our last dinner. One relevant and telling detail: after sitting for just 10 minutes, Mark has the unpleasant habit of making very controversial comments about politics and, to some extent, religion. My husband and I were laughing about his need to “give us an education” on anything from politics, economics to immigration. Contrary to us, though, he never studied or worked in any of these fields, nor is he an immigrant. Again, more red flags (see baiting and illusion of grandeur.)
Prior to that fateful dinner we were already bracing ourselves for another one of his pontifications. Like clockwork, after 10 minutes he started with another political rant. Rant that I abruptly and really not subtly interrupted with a story about our cats. Yes that is how not subtle I was. He seemed shocked and puzzled, as was my girlfriend. Visibly we should have been looking forward to another monologue mildly to highly offensive depending on the king’s mood. Unfortunately I am a very slow eater, so 90 minutes later he gave it another shot. By this time, I have to admit I was getting tired of always being the one taking the high road, stroking the ego of an arrogant bully in order to keep the social peace with a friend who had become his main enabler. I am sure I don’t need to write more, but let’s say things went downhill very fast.😁 By the way Mary & Mark if you are reading these words, you owe us $400!
The day after this “interesting” and abrupt end to our dinner, my better half and I were still wondering WTF had happened and how we ended up being dragged in the mud by those two. This is when I finally started to connect the dots with everything I had read, watched and listened on narcissists🤔.
So here you go, below are the 3 best books I have ever read on narcissism and hopefully they will serve you to detect the patterns BEFORE things go down the drain!
Increase your Self-Worth and Make Yourself Narcissist-proof, Coach with Me for 90 Days!
🫢“It’s Not You” by Dr Ramani Durvasula
This book is great to educate yourself on narcissism.
Whether you have to deal with narcissists at home, at work and everywhere in between it will give you a comprehensive exploration of narcissism, debunking myths and offering practical advice on recognizing and dealing with narcissistic behaviors.
Had I been more watchful I would have easily recognized these signs:
Love Bombing: An intense and overwhelming display of affection and attention that a narcissist typically uses at the beginning of a relationship. In the case of Mary, a single woman actively looking for a serious relationship and children, it was being called 'my wife' by Mark within months, having him and his daughter move in with her six months after their first date, and a wedding barely a year after they met.
Death by a Thousand Cuts: The gradual, subtle, and often overlooked ways in which a person's self-esteem and sense of self can be eroded in a relationship with a narcissist. I could see that every time I met my friend, she looked not just tired but emotionally exhausted and empty, as if someone or something had sucked up her energy. In addition, her perspective and opinions had totally changed.
Difficulty with Relationships: Narcissists often have turbulent and short-lived relationships due to their self-centered nature, lack of empathy, and inability to maintain genuine, reciprocal relationships. In our case, Mark is estranged from his family, and in legal disputes with his business partner as well as with the mother of his child…Obviously all these people are in the wrong and he has been their victim all along.
In her book. Dr. Ramani provides strategies for those dealing with narcissists, which include setting firm boundaries, practicing self-care, and seeking support from others who understand narcissism. She stresses the importance of recognizing when it is necessary to distance oneself from toxic relationships to preserve one's mental health and well-being. Well I guess I am now covered with the distancing!😆
Become More Present and Bully-proof with Strategic Microdosing.
🤺"Slay the Bully" by Rebecca Zung
This book is great when you have to negotiate with narcissists.
Zung is a divorce attorney and has developed a method (S.L.A.Y.) to shift the power dynamic when dealing with narcissists, taking her readers from victim to victor without backlash.
What are some of the behaviors Rebecca Zung wrote about that are screaming “Red Flags!” with our friends Mary and Matt:
Baiting: Narcissists often use baiting as a manipulation tactic to provoke reactions and gain control over interactions. Some common forms of baiting by narcissists include:
Making demeaning or provocative comments to instigate anger/hurt,
Asking loaded questions designed to criticize or belittle,
Violating boundaries intentionally to create conflict,
Dangling and withdrawing intermittent reinforcement,
The goal is to bait the victim into an emotional reaction that the narcissist can then use to play the victim, gaslight, or justify further abuse. I love that video on narcissists’ baiting tactics.
Exploitative Behaviors: Identifying Exploitation Tactics. Zung highlights common exploitation tactics used by narcissists, such as:
Love bombing to make you feel special initially, only to devalue you later.
Gaslighting to make you question your reality and instill self-doubt.
Playing the victim role to deflect blame and garner sympathy.
Smear campaigns to discredit and isolate you from others.
She explains that narcissists use these tactics to gain control, extract resources (money, attention, sex, etc.), and exploit others without remorse or accountability.
When it comes to Mark, what I thought were stupid and thoughtless inflammatory comments on politics, religion and people were actually calculated baits to make us react. In a sense, I am quite happy I took the bait as obviously he is not someone I ever wanted to have in my life, but that means losing my friend (see isolation) and exposing myself to a smear campaign.
In terms of exploitative behaviors, using my friend as a cash cow, a driver, and a nanny are the most obvious ones. I have no doubt that there is much more happening here than what she is letting on. Starting with the erosion of her self-esteem and an increased co-dependence.
Like Books? Read “MORE! The Microdose Diet, the 90 Day Plan for More Success, Passion, and Happiness.”
🐐“Growing Up as the Scapegoat to Narcissistic Parents” by Jay Reid
This third book is more specific and really helpful if you have been on the receiving end of a narcissistic parent. It is also very useful to better understand the behaviors, red flags. as well as the impacts of narcissistic parenting.
Illusion of Grandeur: An exaggerated sense of one's own importance or abilities. Individuals with this trait often believe they are superior to others, have unique talents, or are destined for great success, regardless of the reality of their situation.
Isolation: A common tactic used by narcissists as part of their manipulation strategies. The goal of this tactic is to weaken the victim's support network, making them more dependent on the narcissist and easier to control. Here's how it typically works:
Limiting Social Interactions: They might do this subtly by monopolizing their time, making derogatory comments about others, or creating situations that make social interactions unpleasant or difficult.
Creating Distrust: Narcissists might sow seeds of distrust between the victim and other people by telling lies or half-truths, suggesting that others are untrustworthy or have malicious intentions.
Emotional Manipulation: They may use emotional manipulation to make the victim feel guilty for spending time with others or pursuing independent interests.
Physical or Financial Dependence: This could include controlling finances, restricting access to transportation, or moving to a location far from the victim’s family and friends.
Control: A fundamental manipulation tactic used by narcissists, which allows them to dominate their victims and maintain power in relationships. This tactic can manifest in several ways:
Micromanagement: Narcissists often micromanage the daily lives and decisions of their victims.
Gaslighting: A psychological manipulation that makes the victim question their own reality. Narcissists may blatantly lie or deny they said something, even if there is proof.
Decision-Making Dominance: Narcissists often insist on making major decisions regarding the relationship, household, and even the careers of their partners.
Isolation from Others: As part of controlling the victim, narcissists might isolate them from their support networks like friends and family. This isolation makes the victim more dependent on the narcissist for social interaction and support, increasing the narcissist’s control.
Emotional Dependency: They often create a dynamic where the victim feels emotionally reliant on them.
It is easy for me now to connect to so many of Mark’s behaviors and tactics from the illusion of grandeur, the isolation from others, but also creating distrust and emotional dependance.
It is very different to be the child of a narcissist and to be married to one. Narcissism is obviously way more damaging to the psyche of a kid totally dependent on a parent and with no reference point of what is “normal” and what is not. If you were the unlucky child of a narcissistic parent, I highly recommend that book. If you suspect you might be, I recommend it even more! Gaslighting being one of the trademark of narcissism your radar has likely been tempered with so much that you likely don’t know which way is up anymore.
Transformation requires Support. Coach with Me for 90 Days to UnStuck Yourself.
One red flag I find very telling is the habit of narcissists to throw everything and the kitchen sink at you and see what sticks. For example, you might be having a discussion on your kids school, let’s say you disagree on the quality of the education. In less than 10 minutes you will go from this topic to politics, the cheese you forgot to buy, climate change, your inability to handle money until they find the last straw that will make you lose your mind and make them feel like the winner (which usually mean the victim). In my case, narcissists tend to storm out, desolate victims of my intolerance and aggression, because once I take the bait, I am all in and definitely not backing down in front of bullies
After such interactions, you will be left exhausted and wondering “How the F*&k did we end up there?” That is the hallmark of the narcissist. They don’t care about the topic, they could have argued exactly the opposite just to get their supply of drama. What they want is to bring you in a position where they can picture you as unhinged and them as a victim. No matter that they started the argument, disrespected you, said a lot of insane things, at the end they will turn the tables on you. And now the smear campaign will begin, turning and twisting what you said.
Bottom line, just don’t engage and avoid these people at all costs. I have 3 friends who have been dating / marrying such individuals, 2 who are now a thing of the past and a 3rd one that is likely to take the same direction. The third relationship followed the exact same pattern of love bombing, illusion of grandeur, control, and baiting. To stay on the topic of baiting, at our last dinner, this third specimen stated that animals were there to be hunted and killed and that we, humans, were at the top of the apex chain for a reason.…while knowing very well that my friend (his boyfriend), my husband and I are all animal-lovers. Now, as much as possible I am aiming to see my friend one-on-one, but it is not necessarily easy as narcissists want to exert absolute control and will prevent one-on-one interaction whether by guilt-tripping their victim, whether by simply showing up. He has even been able to make my friend, a die-hard vegetarian, to prepare meat for him! During their last trip to Mexico, my friend got food poisoning and still went to dinner (or rather watched the King eat) while being terribly sick, so the poor thing wouldn't be alone.☹️
These behaviors when taken individually might not raise the alarm but put together start to show a very different picture. These 3 books will give you a great education on detecting and handling narcissists. If you don’t know the patterns you are likely to become collateral damage.
I want to leave you with some food for thoughts…Narcissists have a special knack at picking their victims. They rarely go for well grounded, confident, assertive people. I know that all too well, I used to be catnip for narcissists. 😒 They could smell my lack of boundaries, self-doubt and naivete. I would have rather doubted myself than the obvious facts dangling in front of me. I wrote in my book “MORE! The Microdose Diet” about my past as people-pleaser and how it really sabotaged my life and almost destroyed me. I also guide the reader through assessment, tools, stories to help them transform and increase their sense of self-worth. High self-worth is the best antidote to narcissists. Not only will they less likely be attracted to you (a big win), but when faced with one you will without any doubt see them for what they are and continue on your merry way.
Now the question for you is: “Do you have narcissists in your life? What made them pick you? What do you want to do about it?”
Good Luck!
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😎 About The Microdose Diet
I'm Peggy Van de Plassche, a former banker and VC with 20 years in financial services and technology. "The Microdose Diet" combines alternative medicines like microdosing psilocybin for personal and professional growth.
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